In all the things I have been doing, I had been without my desktop PC for a good half a year. I don't know about anyone else, but even with it sitting in my new house, begging for me to waste hours on it once again, it feels strange and alien to do so.
Before I disappeared off the face of the planet net, I had talked about my job, which was becoming more and more important in my life. And, it was, in the very worst way possible.
I cannot begin to describe each and every time I have worked myself to exhaustion, been aggressively confronted by others, or have had to put up with the horrifying experience of being forced into a position, feeling so goddamn helpless and having no choice but to hit your head against the wall over and over again. Having no one ever really take you seriously, no matter how hard you worked for them.
I couldn't quit at the time because I needed a steady employment to get the house, and at the time I still had hope that what I was doing was a right way to go. No one was really fucking telling me otherwise, no matter how outspoken I was about my situation.
I feel so cheated, lied to, and so eternally infuriated at something I have spent a chunk of my life to. Even when I finally quit, it felt like a dramatic break up. Even when I finally got the stupid fucking thing I hoped for, I got what I wanted! And, it felt like goddamn nothing. And in the end I just felt like I came out a different person.
I had become even more over critical of myself than I ever remember being, because I had become so immersed in my job. When I had failed or something bad had happened at my job, it would destroy me. I would just come home and wonder why nothing was fucking going right, and why I was working so hard for absolutely no return.
In the end I had realized that what I loved so dearly about my job in the first place was the people I had originally worked with when I started. They helped me laugh when work was hard, and they motivated me to be even better than I ever really conceived. Their motivation and influence helped me put up with such an astronomical amount of bullshit, even when contact with them became harder and harder as months carried on! In the end all I ever really wanted out of my job was to recreate that same environment that motivated me, and I knew I had to to it before I ran out of motivation.
....so, I was never able to do that. No matter what I did, no matter what strings and favors I pulled. No matter how many times I brushed aside my hobbies, my creative outlets, my friends and family, I never ever ever got my special fucking happy place at work.
So, for a straight year, I just worked. And worked, and worked. In fight or flight mode. Dreading going to work, like I did when I had a job I actually hated. Always trying to create that special place, and never getting it. Even when my job description dictated that I had the authority to do so.
All of this ended 2 or 3 months ago. And since then I have been working on something else. As I am typing this I feel like summarizing my feelings is helping me put a close on a fucking story arc of my life that I will always remember, and because the ends did justify the means, I would have to say I would do it again. I am not sure how else I would get to the point I am at now in life, as much as I feel like my personality has been mutilated. I seriously feel...completely different now.
The reason why I went to all of this trouble to tell everyone is actually two of them.
The first being that at a point in my life where, I really did so many things for others, or maybe for the respect or admiration or others, I had lost a part of myself. The most creative, most expressive without conflict, and most adored by, well, fucking everyone. Without that part, I was just some angry guy who worked too hard.
The second being that my new line of work is developing into something I really hadn't expected it to be. But now I have a guy begging me to finish designs and pictures for his business. And yet here I am, still in fucking post depression about my old job, unable to go forward again.
Not only do I want that part of myself again, in order to get in touch with who I once was, but now I NEED that part of myself again, for the sake of making something big happen.
I know what I had left unfinished, and I know the only way to make things right is to get it done. I have been slowly getting back into drawing again, and though its been a long process in doing so, I feel like I am at a point now where I am close to being able to share again.
When I feel like I am ready, I will image dump what I have been working on somewhere. Not here. This DeviantArt page is done, and like other Keiji pages before it, will remain up as a record of my history drawing fat and round chicks. There are other pictures circulating that I don't think are on DA. If I can find the right ones, then I will upload those as well.
After the image dump, and if you know where to look, you will see it. I will make a new DA page. You won't know when or where the dump happens, and I will not warn you ahead of time. Then, I will begin to pursue more projects.
I am not sure if doing commissions again is the correct way to go, or if there are better alternatives out there, but I will have to start getting something going again. Now I need my drawing hand more than ever.
Until then...eh, I dunno. Sometime maybe. Just know that I am working on shit.